is this meant to deter me
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I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is hkH6U3pvL2PbqtEf
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard