Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you say that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too

me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there

Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–

me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich

Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.

Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one

I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.

Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it

You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.

everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats

There is no “we” in chocolate.

Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.

My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”

Anyone know the second rule of fight club?

I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.

I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.

IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck

Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?

Lemming: Just trust me, ok?

ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?

STUDENT: um

ME: this is important

STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?

ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker

If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.

Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.

Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?

inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many

I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.

She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.

Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.

[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it

You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.

Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese

Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood

Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.