is this store having a stroke wtf
You Might Also Like
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
still the best tweet of the year by far
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”