is this store having a stroke wtf
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I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
When you try jalapeños for the first time
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes
May never get over this
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Clown: [reaching for his nose]
Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.