is this store having a stroke wtf
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The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers
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