“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
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Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money