“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
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[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.