Is this the real life?
Is this just
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Just a phase…
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert