Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
You Might Also Like
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.
Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door
Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?