Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
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Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi