Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
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dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
🍂🕷️🍂
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.