Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it

Me: I don’t think this is going to work

Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people

M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under

The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.

Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are

Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.

Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭

I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.

Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.

date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side

me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu

BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.

ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?

I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse

Checks for abs
Finds an M&M

I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.

Me: Goodnight angel.

9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.

Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too

I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.

My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.

Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people

Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.

My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.

*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.

Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.

Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti

Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?

Me: it’s my autobiography.

My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.

You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!

I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges

The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.

*Hiring an electrician

Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord

Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?

Me: I don’t even think about work at work.