Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
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R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.
Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Hard not to take this personally
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so