Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:

Don’t
Be
On
Fire

How to be a politician 101:

Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.

Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.

21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off

51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”

[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”

weaknesses

Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO

Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣

If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.

🤫

[stranded on a desert island]

*plane flies over head and drops a letter*

Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!

*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warranty

Me: Sonofa-

7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?

Me: Did you eat your greens?

7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream

I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.

First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!

It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this

The inventor of perforated paper has died.

RIP

I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.

My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.

necessity is the mother of invention

Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.

My octopus can beat up your octopus.

*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*

“Lets do this.”

If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go

Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples

it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it

Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS

Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to

I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?

Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”

Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”

According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.

[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher

HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-

ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS