Is this you?
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Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Cinematography is my passion
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
the noise i just made
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson