Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.

[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.

I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

Date: I know a lot of dance styles

Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too

Date: Any ballroom?

Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit

Date: What

Me: What

Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation

Me: *floating*

*Buys something from Amazon

*Tracks package from Amazon

*Gets delivery from Amazon

Me)I wonder what this is

if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers

Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”

This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.

Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.

Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup

Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”

My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?

I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart

*FINALLY gets truck washed*

*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*

5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!

me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia

Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?

Me- Wished I was an adult

Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.

Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.

Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.

Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…

I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.

What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:

“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”

“Do you want to hold my baby?”

Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.

I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.

Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?

They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.

My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion

Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.

*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*

M: I have never been happier in my life.

*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings

The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.