Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.

Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.

I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.

She sells c-cells by the seesaw

iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep

*next morning*

iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off

Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*

Me:

the three genders

Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification

I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.

Husband: …

Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.

Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla

Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”

wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!

wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home

It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.

It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.

Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party

Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.

No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.

NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*

🙂🐾

I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.

My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?

Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.

I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.

reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please

a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!

I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.

I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.