Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir

me: I’m not a giraffe

waiter: I know I’m just telling you

“Please, take me out to dinner!”

“I don’t date married women, sorry.”

“I’m your wife!”

“No exceptions!”

Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’

Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”

The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip

If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.

[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment

My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.

Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.

I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.

wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep

Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes

Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom

Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.

Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.

me: let’s circle back around and touch base

baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it

interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k

me: *gets up* ok see you then

-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.

I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off

me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse

wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal

*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!

Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.

My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.

Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….

October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.

Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.

All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.

a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup

🤣

Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.

Her: What do you do with the time saved?

Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?

[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water

Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.

Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.

Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg

trainer: what’s your fitness goals?

me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.