Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime

Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos

Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”

Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse

I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time

me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”

I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.

*through a mouthful of Nutella*

Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.

I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex

There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.

Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day

Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez

All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.

since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time

Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter

I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband

CONDUCTOR: all aboard!

ME: i’m pretty bored

CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train

ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too

Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.

“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?

[game night]
date: do you have siblings?

me: *flips table*

date: so you’re the youngest

Babe, you’re just perfect for me

Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man

My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!

Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…

Therapist: Is this true?

Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.

If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.

As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.

being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad

A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.

i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.

me: how do i use this inhaler?

doctor: you suck.

me: i’m trying sorry

Waiter: How is everything?

Me: This is a salad

Waiter: Yes

Me: I ordered spaghetti

Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude