“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
You Might Also Like
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.