“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
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Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Cheers Twitter.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication
Wednesday
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now