Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?

just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”

i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.

I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?

The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.

Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.

*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?

cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion

Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.

blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.

me: Fantastick.

Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.

Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.

Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.

Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?

Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.

If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.

Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat

13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.

It’s cool, I don’t know why I’m still talking either.

You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa

“Morning, how was your weekend?”

can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”

Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.

[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?

I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.

Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?

Him: What are you doing?

Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.

Him: Do you need help?

Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.

Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?

Me: Soooo doomed.

When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding

ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love

I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.

Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.

m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun

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