Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I <3 you.

Me: I… I sideways balls you too.

when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”

Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?

My memoir is titled:

“#2 (not a sequel)”

[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT

Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush

Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”

Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”

Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”

Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.

Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.

If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.

Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart

Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…

Me: You did?

Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!

Adultry does not sound fun at all

imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that

[christmas]

BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!

ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.

Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey

My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.

This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.

Well, he said they were pretty…

Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”

[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]

[me to the fridge] you had one job

I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination

There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.

the council will decide your fate

Never judge a book by its cover…

Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.

hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺

Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war

My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.

After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.

Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.

As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.

I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.

Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”

Him: “What kind of car trouble?”

Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”