“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
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Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not