Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted

“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”

i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery

Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage

The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice

SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin

This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself

The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.

I’m well into my third quarantine then.

[Hall of Justice]

BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham

SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet

AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp

Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom

*drops off box to Salvation Army*

“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”

*peels out*

We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.

Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed

My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.

Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?

Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”

Person: *laughing*

Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.

App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories

Dieting Parents:

App Designer: It’s great, right…

Dieting Parents:…

App Designer:

If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…

Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.

I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.

Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.

The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..

*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*

Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?

I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.

Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?

There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.

Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.

I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.

“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”

I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!

Peace was never an option

Missed Connection:

I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.

Happiness is…

finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.