“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
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Buying a well is money well spent.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.