Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!

My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.

*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*

ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE

Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?

Genie: Stop saying it like that.

Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.

Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.

Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.

been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.

So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.

Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.

they need to invent a dishwasher with a window on it. i have to know what goes on in there

“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”

Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?

“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”

Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job

My Dog:

My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.

my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?

I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:

Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.

I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.

Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.

I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?

sigh

This is so wrong 😂

I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.

[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]

11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.

Me: What class is this for?

11: I haven’t started yet.

Took a good look at my finances.

I won’t make that mistake again.

Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.

Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.

Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.

Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.

I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.