Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
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me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?