Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
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Me when I try to be useful
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities
Only Americans understand
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
smart people are like huskies
if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem
“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
In banana years, I am bread.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager