Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
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Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*