@GirrlGenius

Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?

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@Jay_FrickinLynn

[Giving a toast]
“It was when I was entering blackout that I realized I forgot the Plan B at home. Happy 1st birthday, you little accident.”

@david8hughes

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

@HockeyTornado

Spiderman is just another guy who ends up with sticky hands and covered in white stuff after being on the web.

@Reverend_Scott

COP: Know why I stopped you?

“Drag racing?”

COP: Nope.

“Speeding?”

COP: Definitely not.

“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”

COP: That’s the one.

@skittle624

There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.

@TinaMav

Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..

@Jeffwni

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary