[Giving a toast]
“It was when I was entering blackout that I realized I forgot the Plan B at home. Happy 1st birthday, you little accident.”
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
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I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Spiderman is just another guy who ends up with sticky hands and covered in white stuff after being on the web.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary