Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
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“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Please do it!
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Candles never taste the way they smell
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.