Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
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Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.