I am officially off the market馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
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On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 馃槗
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
if they played poker with potato chips I鈥檇 have a gambling problem
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn鈥檛 know us.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined 拢300 despite how impressive that sounds
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I鈥檓 in prison.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My wife isn鈥檛 international so we don鈥檛 celebrate
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Since I鈥檓 working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won鈥檛 believe this
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough鈥ith鈥he鈥arambe鈥okes”
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Anyone: what鈥檚 your favorite color?
Me: cheese