Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
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[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Finally
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings
boss: what time can you be here
me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now
boss: we’re short staffed today
me: i’m getting seized
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….