Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
You Might Also Like
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.
Because communication is key.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.