Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: we need to fight diabetes

INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more

Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake

Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.

8yo: *drawing family portrait*

Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?

8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*

Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh

Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.

It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.

Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?

Newborns cry because they’re being evicted

Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh

God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha

God *creates birds*

is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?

ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING

Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?

At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick

I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one

I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.

I bought it in 2007.

You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.

Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.

You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !

MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?

DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.

Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.

“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”

Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage

She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones

Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”

Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.

5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.

Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”

Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.

[chopped]

Judge 1: this is disgusting

Judge 2: the chicken is raw

Judge 3: why are there froot loops

[the rat under my hat starts biting me]

Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.