Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
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Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”
You thought wrong.
Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Was it something I said?
