Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
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That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
no one:
not a soul:
my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
does anyone know a car vet, my neighbor’s antler fell off
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.