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I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
good for her
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.