Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
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Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Was it something I said?
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me