Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
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my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why