Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.

*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*

Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣

Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*

*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver

It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.

cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”

Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.

STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.

My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.

Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight

Narrator: He did not play his cards right

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

Literally! 🤣 #dogs

I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat

Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl

To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me

If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.

Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.

me: that guy is half drunk

Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him

All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.

i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.

it wasn’t ebola

it wasn’t trump

it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year

it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone

[How salad was created]

You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.

– Single piece of lettuce

Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?

I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.

Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am

Me: I have no friends

My bed: Wow I’m like right here

People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.