Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
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Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
FINE, I WON’T.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.