Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce

Monday again. I just knew this would happen

[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN

I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.

*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”

LMAO

Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.

Them: you smell nice

Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve

MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?

People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.

Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?

I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”

Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.

If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future

Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler

KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant

[In football huddle]

“What do you guys think happens when we die?”

Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras

Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.

While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.

The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers

Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.

[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys

My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.

3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?

Me: What? I don’t know

3: Dadda get up, go find it

Me: …..

3: …..

Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?

3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!

[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me