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Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:
‘What time is it?’
‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’
*blows trombone loudly*
Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’
😃
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now
Me: Please don’t
Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰
Me: Omg 3 please
Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!