Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.

…No, YOU shut up.

I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.

I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me

Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns

The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids

The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.

I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me

Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.

She didn’t.

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*

[Hall of Justice]

BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham

SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet

AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp

[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out

the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done

The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.

I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism

My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”

Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it

Who else does this 🤦🏽😂

DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER

Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.

[on the couch having tea]

Me: this is nice.

Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.

89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.

*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!

“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.

Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.

Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.

I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince

In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.

If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you

This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour

We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10