Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

•a lion stalks a fawn•

•a man steps out from behind tree•

I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?

Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!

I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.

Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”

*accidentally answers phone call*

*pretends to be answering machine*

“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds

about to have the best blueberries of my life

*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.

*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.

*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.

Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”

I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.

I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?

My bank account: Yes

[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]

“Take me to your leader”

[30 minutes later]

Me: So, this is my wife…

lmao

I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.

Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.

#parenting

Me: Hi.

Girl: No.

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.

Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.

A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’

I was that kid’s first beard

Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology

Egyptians: …

Aliens: …

Egyptians: ok don’t be mad

Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.

Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving

TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in

ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?

Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.

Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?

Me: I thought it was a carnival

me: I always sleep naked

flight attendant: no

My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.

This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.

Picking up some anvils, tunnel paint, and dynamite balloons