Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.

I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that

“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on

My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.

Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no

Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.

Me: He was stressed

Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk

Me: I was stressed

Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”

Me: Could be anyone…

It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search

Dentist: please stop

I. FORGOT.

I. FORGOT.

from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically

“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”

Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves

PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.

ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.

(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*

Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber

Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”

me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time

onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog

Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.

My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too

You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.

friend: you watch anything good lately?

me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways

friend: who

me: William Wonka

Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”

I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.

Son: Your makeup looks weird

Me: I’m not wearing any

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.

My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.

[ IDEA ]

An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up

Friend: ow I just cut my finger

Me: ouch

Friend: can u put a bandaid on it

Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp

FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN