Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”

“I just love a man in uniform”

~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes

85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.

Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.

why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?

I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.

My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now

Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.

if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you

Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.

– Respirational Tweet

And we’re off! To an unreasonable start

One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.

Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.

And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.

[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]

my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.

Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.

Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Blockbuster: 😭 yes

WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH

HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now

ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?

HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]

the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”

Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”

Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.

Waiter: here’s your milksha-

James Bond: grrrrrrr

Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred

When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills

I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.

[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!

a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables

me: how is your pancake, bud?

3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft