Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
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*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
I bought a reusable straw so now I go by Captain Planet.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
They’re on their honeymoon
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo