Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
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Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
True.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
no refunds
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Pot warmers of the day.
The government even made aliens boring
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.