Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
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ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving