Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
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I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word