“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
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“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*