“Is your refrigerator running?”
“Hasn’t decided yet,” I say, winking at my refrigerator & hanging up. A “FRIDGE 2016” banner hangs above him

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Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”


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Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?


If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.


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I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.