@BromanConsul

“Is your refrigerator running?”
“Hasn’t decided yet,” I say, winking at my refrigerator & hanging up. A “FRIDGE 2016” banner hangs above him

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@nyquills

I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you

@bourgeoisalien

Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

@JamieGreenlees

I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying

@DamienFahey

Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”

@sixfootcandy

(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?

@sskylark

If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.

@alli_win

There are plenty of fish in the sea.

There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.

@ShawnIzadi

I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.