INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
You Might Also Like
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows