@Thynebear

“Is your refrigerator running?”

“My fridge used to run every day, but ever since he started smoking marijuana he just lays on the couch.”

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@Tobi_Is_Fab

Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.

@Skoog

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws

professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid

me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?

@rebrafsim

Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide

People: lol nah

Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL

@carlyken

I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant

@ChicksRule

Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*

Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet

Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?

@TweetPotato314

dr: what happened here

me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him

dr: why

me: wasn’t his birthday I guess

@GrowlyGrego

Apostrophes are important.

“I fed the dog”

“I f’ed the dog”

Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.

@E_lok44

No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.

@OllyiConic

cop: got any drugs on you

me: nah

cop: how about in your car

me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately

@Dawn_M_

My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.