Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
“Is your refrigerator running?”
“My fridge used to run every day, but ever since he started smoking marijuana he just lays on the couch.”
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
cop: got any drugs on you
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.