IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
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Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.
Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.