IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
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We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
the simulation is moving too fast
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Meow
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one
clerk: do you have a baby
me: would you accept cash instead
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.