Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
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[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume