Is your wife single?
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when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
The word Ohio looks like a tractor
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.