Is your wife single?
You Might Also Like
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?