ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
You Might Also Like
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
I did not eat the cake…
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.