ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
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Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
I’m going to start the new year with some spring cleaning. It won’t take long because I don’t own many springs.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.