ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore

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My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”

Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.


Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.


Him: Is this a sex thing?

Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.


WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”


The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.


If you like someone and don’t know if they like you, just sue them and then ask them under oath if they think you’re cute.


me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us


Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
Don’t come home without it


Them: I’m so sorry!

Me: *checking that their concrete boots have set* It’s all water under the bridge.