@fro_vo

ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore

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@XplodingUnicorn

My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”

Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.

@LegoGodzilla

Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.

@eff_yeah_steph

Him: Is this a sex thing?

Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.

@UncleDuke1969

WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”

@Whatevah_Amy

The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.

@KevinFarzad

If you like someone and don’t know if they like you, just sue them and then ask them under oath if they think you’re cute.

@MarfSalvador

me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us

@Marlebean

Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it

@LittleMissAngr1

Them: I’m so sorry!

Me: *checking that their concrete boots have set* It’s all water under the bridge.