Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
You Might Also Like
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Mine in this week’s New Yorker
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!