Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
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My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
I have a type: disappointing
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
My first child will be named New Folder.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.