Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.

If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.

airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover

[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese

I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened

Friend: I’m poly.

Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!

me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.

if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm

Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?

Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store

Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes

Me: say no more

Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?

Sigh, women are so demanding..

My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.

As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.

SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels

[later]

SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit

Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.

Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.

I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.

If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.

saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs

Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.

If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history

Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”

Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”

If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.

please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers

It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.

BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?

SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.

It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache

her: why are u breaking up with me

me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen